Not Always So Easy

When did convenience get so hard?

I may lose my state residency over this but, I don’t drink coffee. I drink tea. Every once in awhile I stop in at the world’s most famous coffee place, and try to order a cup of tea. As I wait in line, I study the menu overhead and listen to other customers ordering. They are self-assured rattling off very detailed orders.

When it’s my turn, it’s like I’ve suddenly been transported into a foreign country and it’s painfully obvious I don’t speak the language. In coffee country, a small is a tall, a medium is a grande. In coffee country, there are 19 tea choices ranging from herbal infusions to lattes, green or black, hot or cold. By the time I figure out what I think I want, I can feel the exasperated eye rolls of the people behind me. I’m relieved that the currency is the same in coffee country, until I see the tip jar and have to start calculating percentages in my head. I pick up my humble cup of tea and try not to burn myself on the way out. Maybe the problem is that coffee drinkers want to get hyped up, and tea drinkers want to relax. I’m definitely not relaxed as I leave.

A similar situation happens at the grocery store. I run in to pick up a few things. While I’m waiting in line, a clerk rushes up and fools me into thinking she’s going to open another register. No, she herds me toward the self service check-out, assuring me that it will be faster. It has never gone well. The computer doesn’t understand that I have my own bag. Then it keeps telling me to put items in the bag that I’ve already put in the bag. I don’t even get the satisfaction of arguing my case. A human has to intervene and mediate the disagreement, and then return again to take my check as I watch the people who were behind me in the original line sail out of the store. The problem is that I was never trained to be a grocery store cashier, and I haven’t bonded with the touch screen. It’s a one-sided relationship.

Too many choices. They all hold the promise that they’ll make life easier, but end up just adding more layers of ways that things can go wrong. When my kids were toddlers, experts advised offering choices at mealtime to avoid tantrums. I did. I became a short order cook and they became experts in choosing. They don’t have any problems ordering coffee.

My parents offered one choice. Here’s dinner. Maybe that’s why I don’t know a small from a tall. They also taught me to get along with others, but didn’t foresee that “the others” might be computers at the grocery store. So, I’m making tea at home, stubbornly staying in the human check-out line, and blaming my inadequacies on my deprived childhood. Sorry Mom and Dad!

Laura Keolanui Stark can be reached at lkstark@yahoo.com. (Originally published in The Herald, www.puyallupherald on 3/25/09.)